Question:

My 21 year old son lives at home. He sleeps in until 2 o'clock in the afternoon when he is unemployed (which is about 70% of the time) and never has money to pay me rent (how can you demand rent of someone who has no job or money?). I told him he had to have a job by such and such a date and he did not get one, so at the beginning of last summer I told him he had to leave. He has no friends (I mean, really NO friends) so he slept in his car. He eventually got a job, but then he lost it again. As the nights got cold, he got really sick and I allowed him to come home and sleep on the couch, provided, that when he got well, he would look for a job diligently. Well, that was October, and he is still unemployed. I am a single mom and all my other 3 kids are doing fine. I can't afford to support him like this, besides it being extremely unhealthy for him. Do you have any suggestions? He is a quiet person and doesn't do drugs or anything. I just can't seem to get him motivated. I work all day, so I can't be here to make sure he is up at a certain time. He also doesn't seem to keep himself presentable, like going out un-showered and in wrinkled clothes. I've asked my pastor if someone from the church could take him in and mentor him or something. He said he'd see what he could do. I am at a loss. HELP! P.S. He has a dream of going to a college in San Jose and wants to save money up for it. It is animation school. So, he does have a desire, just not a plan. Oh, yeah, and his car broke down, so now he can't drive anywhere and I refuse to fix it.

Answer:

It seems like overstating the obvious that your son has a problem with self-motivation!

My suggestion is one of tough love. At your son's age, you are doing him no favors by enabling his irresponsible behavior. In my opinion, continuing to provide for your son is enabling him to do nothing about his lifestyle. I believe that you need to put expectations and consequences in place and stick with them. Provide him with needed encouragement. Convey that you believe in his potential for growth and positive change. Consider ways to affirm your son when he does positive things. But don't enable poor behavior. At 21, your son is an adult and needs to assume adult responsibilities.

Perhaps you can motivate him towards positive change and a more responsible life with a tough love stance. If not, I would suggest that your son see a qualified Christian counselor who may be able to help your son deal with the issues that prevent him from becoming a self-reliant, productive adult.