Question:

Hi, I have a question concerning my son who is off to college in about 2 1/2 weeks. So it is very time sensitive. I am a single parent of a 17 year old son. His father has not been in his life. We have been very close except for a tough 9 months we had when he turned 16. It is now better. My son is very independent, strong willed, and has his own mind. But he is very intelligent with a good head on his shoulders. (Doesn't drink, smoke, do drugs or sneak out) Recently he hasn't wanted to talk at all. In fact, he gets very upset with me when I keep asking what is wrong. I do know he is getting a little nervous about going away to college. He really has never been away before. So I don't know how much this plays into his behavior. But I am very concerned. In fact, when I try to discuss what needs to be done in terms of getting ready for school (clothes, supplies, etc), he just shuts me out and tells me to leave him alone. Can you give me advice on how to handle this. Should I back off and leave him alone? If I do, we probably would go all day with only 5 words from him and 5 minutes in front of me. Should I give him negative consequences if he doesn't want to talk or be around me? Please help.

Answer:

Without giving up trying to communicate with your son, I do think you would be wise to back off. I understand this is tough to do - and it would disappoint you to have days where you speak very little with your son. But, there is a natural adolescent process at work here. Your son needs to make the transition from depending on you towards independence and becoming a fully functioning adult. And, often, part of this process takes the form of the adolescent withdrawing from communication with their parent(s). Further, it sounds like it is possible that you rely on your son to meet your own need for relationship - and I don't think it would be in either of your best interests to give him negative consequences for not talking or being around you.

Having said this, I want you to understand that this doesn't mean that you should give up trying to communicate. Keep trying! Obviously, there are some important issues that need to be resolved in terms of your son preparing to go off to college. Part of your parenting job - at this season of your son's life - is to let him begin to make choices (while you provide advice as he allows you to) and then reap the consequences of his own choices (for better or for worse.) For example, if your son doesn't adequate prepare for going away to college and he hasn't bought the supplies he'll need before he leaves - he should bear the weight of those consequences - rather than having you bail him out and doing all of his shopping for him the night before he leaves. He'll learn some important life lessons along the way - including the need to communicate adequately with his own family.

One last thing, if you already have a solid relationship with your son, I think this phase will pass. It may take a few months, or a few years, but it will pass. Most adolescents who successfully navigate the process into adulthood move back into closer relationship with their parents.